I don’t even know how to begin this post but this is an issue that has literally been plaguing me for all that I can remember of my life. It’s beautiful and frustrating and lovely and awful all at once. This is a lot more of a personal post so if you’re just here for the books, it doesn’t have much to do with them although it is kind of related. If you are a family member or somebody I’m casually friends with (a.k.a Tampa people), this is personal so respect me and don’t read it. Honestly, I can’t stand talking to people I know about this kind of thing so I’m trusting you to respect me. Better not to read it if you get confused. I’m not even going to edit this post because this is me, raw.This post is related to a particular feeling, a particular need. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for ages and it has a lot wrapped around it. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, please don’t comment on it because it’s something that’s really important to me. I feel like there’s a purpose to my life that I’m only just discovering.
It’s both a blessing and a curse having a passion. It came to me earlier that I have a really hard time relating to other people my age because of my passion. Being so passionate about things in my life and things that I still want to discover mean that other people don’t feel the same. Especially at my age, I have a tough time relating to my peers because in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the type of girl who gets invited to parties. I mostly am at the fringes of rising-freshman society because I don’t have the same interests as other people. I feel more like an adult than a teenager, but it’s not just that.
I just tell myself that life will be so much better when I’m in New York, when I’m an adult, when/if I’m working in publishing. In eight years, I’ll find my something more. I’ll stop feeling like I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, like there’s something that I haven’t discovered yet that I need desperately. It’s a strange feeling to describe but it’s the strongest one in my life. I constantly feel this longing for something, but I don’t know what that something is. I just need for there to be something more in my life.
I’m using this example because this is the one thing that consistently inspires in me this feeling: staring up at the stars. It makes everything seem magical and it tears my world apart because looking at the stars, that’s where I want to be. I’m not trying to be lyrical or poetic, simply trying to put into words how potent my need is for there to be something more in the world. There’s this quote by Maggie Stiefvater in her novel Shiver where Sam says
I surfed for photos of circus freaks and synonyms for the word intercourse and for answers to why staring at the stars in the evening tore my heart with longing.
That is exactly how I feel. My heart is being torn apart with longing when I stare at the stars because I can sense something more out there but I’m stuck living an ordinary life. I read to find extraordinary things and I just feel like there has to be something more to my world. My world is composed of passions and longings that ache so badly because I just want something more to life. I can’t even describe how deep it is because I want something more so much that it’s not even a want anymore but a need. The problem is that I don’t exactly know what that more is.
I feel like there’s another layer to the world that only a few people are allowed to see and only then, only in glimpses. Whether that’s something like in books like a paranormal secret only a few people know about then so be it but I want to find whatever that layer is.
Life will be so much better when I write a book, when I fall in love, when I get married, when I settle down. I’m ready to jump past these eight years until I’m out of college and actually treated like an adult. My age is a barrier; nobody takes a fourteen year old seriously. It’s actually a problem for me because I can easily visualize myself as an adult. I find myself reading about apartments in New York and writing down budgets for when I’m living there. I have to remind myself that it’ll take at least eight years of school before I can work in a publishing company and when I can finally chase my dreams. People around me don’t get it at all. I’m just a sort-of-strange girl who is kind of cool but kind of isn’t. I’m just itching to grow up and be able to finally go out and do something.
This is one of the reasons why Alexandra Adornetto is my biggest hero: she didn’t let age stop her. She was published at age fourteen and didn’t let anything stop her. She was passionate and daring and she’s done everything with her life that I desperately want to do with mine. I want to change the world. I want to make people feel things and I can’t, not yet, because it will take years for me to get there. That fact is hell to me.
Because I have this deep-rooted passion that I can’t ignore. It’s inside of me every day gnawing at me and telling me that I need to share this feeling. I want to find my “something more” so badly that it hurts. I need to find another layer to the world that reminds me why I’m living and that makes me feel alive.
It’s so hard having this need and passion to do something spectacular with my life and feeling like I’m stuck here waiting for it. One of the worst parts is that nobody around me feels the same way. I’ll talk about it to my friends or my twin and while they’re supportive, I still feel alone. The most I’ll get from them is a “cool” or “it’s so awesome how you’re only fourteen and doing this”. I feel awkward talking about it to adults who aren’t already in the industry because I feel like they’re humoring me. They treat me as a…teenager. But I get sick of it because I’m completely concrete. There’s a reason that it’s called a passion. This is EXACTLY what I want to do with my life. It’s not a phase but I honestly feel like it’s what God wants me to do with my life.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I’m so attracted to paranormal books in YA because there are these teenagers with the world in their hands who are alive and finding “more” and they’re actually being taken seriously. Their passions are indulged and they are LIVING. Even then, there are only a few songs and books that even come close to that feeling I get when I look at the stars. I feel like I’m not even living right now but I’m paused. It’s honestly driving me insane because I have this need that’s never going to be fulfilled until I go out with my life and do something because it hurts not being able to.
I think I need to stop talking now because it’s a strange thing to put into words. Many of you might not understand it and might think I’m crazy for going on about this feeling. I’m sure that my wording in this post is absolutely horrendous and makes no sense whatsoever but how do you put your deepest feeling into words? How do you describe how much something means to you? I’m aching for it and nobody around me understands. My age feels like a barrier because I want to go out and explore the world and change it. I want to influence people and discover what my “something more” is and I can’t. I can’t even drive. I feel like an adult trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not just hormones or being dramatic. I’ve felt this way for my entire life, like there was something out there meant for me to find. Something that made it worth living. My entire life has felt like a search for whatever makes me feel complete and what makes me feel alive. Don’t get me wrong; I feel blessed to have a passion but it’s hard when I feel like I can’t relate to anybody my age or that I’m stuck waiting for years to be able to feel like I’m living. Either way, my passion is what makes me completely me.
Also, I’m not looking for advice. My life is great and I know that it will get better, this is just a testament to others who feel this way and why I do. I love you all!
Thank you.
Grace
UPDATE: If you’re interested in more posts like these or random musings, check out my newly-started personal blog. The password for protected posts is the last name of my favorite author, whose name can be found on my About Me page!
On the contrary, I believe your post is beautifully written. It certainly expresses your feelings and thoughts on your passion – and I think it’s wonderful that you know in your heart that this is what you want to pursue in life. It’s something that’s commendable and that you should be PROUD of. I’m certain it’s hard, but I’m also certain that because of the way you feel, it’s worth it
Thank you so much for your comment! I know it’s going to be worth it in the end it’s just hard in the short term! Grace
What an amazing post. I can commiserate too because I was where you are now. Albeit it’s been a long time since then & I’ve learned that not skipping the 8 years was a very good thing for me, but I hear what you’re saying. I’ve had passions that no one my age understood or cared about. I sat on the fringes & wished to be taken seriously (heck, I still do sometimes even now). I think that the best advice I could give my past self (& I’ll share it with you because I think it applies) is twofold. First, growing a thicker skin to ignore those who don’t understand your passion & therefore do not take you seriously will take a long way toward feeling less unfulfilled. And second, patience with the process of growing up can provide you with such amazing experiences that you don’t want to miss even if you don’t appreciate them yet.
That said, I take you seriously. And had I not read this post, I would have thought you were 20-something. So it’s them, not you. And you don’t have to worry about them. God will take care of them AND you. Because He rocks that way.
Thank you so much! And yeah haha everybody always thinks that I’m older than I am when they see what I’ve done first. The only problem is when they see my age first instead of my thoughts and accomplishments. I really appreciate this comment. Thank you! Grace
I have to say that I’m so, so incredibly thankful for BEA because I get to meet extraordinary people with big hearts like you. I study and learn and write and listen all because there is so much in this world that I want to know and not enough lifespan to get it all in. I want to do something amazing. That’s part of the reason why I admire John Green so much – he’s encouraged so many people to go out there and do what they love and be who they are and that that’s perfectly okay.
And, you know what? It is. It is more than okay. And there’s nothing wrong with having plenty of time to do it in. Plenty of time for exploration and knowledge soaking. I have no doubt that you’re going to do what you want/need/hope (there is no proper word for this) in the end, but sometimes it’s the road there that makes it all worth it. I’m glad that met you somewhere along the way.
I love this post and the heart behind it.
That’s why BEA was the best week of my life. What i really admire about john is that he manages to take those feelings that you think you can’t describe and put them into words. I loved meeting you (and yes, I still read comments and your tweets in your voice). Thank you so much for commenting! Grace
Wonderfully expressed Grace. You know, I’m 19 and I still feel the same way you do now. I’m legal; I can do anything I want. But there’s only a few things I want in life which could make me be happier, but those few things (writing a book, being with someone, moving out, becoming psychologist, being understood, being known along with others) involve a lot of work both emotionally and physically. These few things involve persistence, determination… and that word: passion.
I’m always pushed by my sisters and my mum to go out partying and do all that stuff that boys my age usually do. But to be honest, I rule my own life and I have the ability to say, ‘No. I don’t want to. That’s not me.’ I get along with people more when they have the same interests and passions as me, and I guess it will take time for me to find them; I’ve already found many through blogging and reviewing, even friends outside Australia.
I’m probably digressing, but what I’m trying to get at is that enjoy life, take your time, gain experiences, enjoy those experiences, further develop that passion. I’ve always wanted to just be an adult. Although I kind of am speaking in terms of legality, but I don’t believe I’m just there yet. However, I’ve been cherishing these moments, and although I’m not doing the usual teenager stuff (and oh my I’m 20 next year and no longer a teenager) I’ve still enjoyed life, and although I’ll look back in 20 years time and say to myself, ‘Why wasn’t I partying back then or going out everyday with friends?’ the answer would be: ‘Who cares? I found my passion, my interest, an enthusiasm for something worth having, that I didn’t need to do what everyone else was doing although there was still apart of me that wanted what they had. But I was myself. And I will always be myself. And I am still myself.’
Holy mother, I don’t know where I’m getting it but you sparked my fire and I can just keep writing…
Anyway, I hope you got something out of this. Even when you’re an adult you’ll still be longing for something, no matter your age and no matter what you’ve achieved.
Braiden
Thank you so much Braiden! Your comment is fantastic! And I love talking to people like you who completely GET IT! Thank you again!
Grace
I’ve got 7 words to say to you; I have so much respect for you.
I cannot describe my love for you. Thank you so much!
LOVE YOU!
Grace
Grace,
You are not weird or odd. You are incredible! You are 14 and know what God wants you to do! That seriously rocks girl! I’m nearly 19 and have only just realised what God is calling me to do in the past year. I also can relate to your feeling like no one understands and you feel older. Understand God has a wicked awesome plan for you! Keep your eyes on the prize! Listen to your heart and evn though 8 years seems like a long time embrace that time. Focus on the positive, the good parts, and the dreaming. And be inspired by awesome authors like Alexandra Adornetto and all those wonderful others. Keep being passionate , your passion is there for a reason don’t lose it! Keep hold of it.
May you be guided on the path to fullfilling your dreams.
~
Autumn
P.S. And when you become a published author I’m buying every single one of your books!
Thank you Autumn!
Grace
Hey, Grace. You’re a writer. And time is a fickle bedfellow, so just try to listen to the ticks and maybe they’ll become heartbeats, and maybe you’ll give time a heart attack.
I love that line. Um, can’t wait to read your books when you become published. Just saying. Love you!
Grace
Grace I admire your passion so much! This feeling you are experiencing is going to allow you to help young passionate girls in the future. Also, don’t discredit what you are doing now. Each time I read something you write I am inspired (and I promise I am not trying to humor you).
Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3 That's really what I want to do…I want to show others that feeling. This comment means so much! Thank you!
Grace
Such a beautiful and passionate post! I remember feeling the same way as you when I was in high school, and now as I reach the end of my masters degree this summer I can finally feel myself on the verge of starting the life that I’ve always wanted. It sounds like you have great goals for your future and with the amount of passion that you have I’m positive that you’ll reach them! Time may seem like its going by slowly now, but trust me, a couple of years from now it will seem like its flying by!
Thank you!
Oh, babes. I feel you. I don’t really know what to say; but.. I get it.
Oh, YES!! I see this side of you often enough as you write, which is why I get your blog in my in-box!! And I love, LOVE the book-bloggin’ world where age doesn’t matter. At all. I wish it had existed when I was 14, ’cause you’re describing me, too. I’ve never grown out of it, and it’s so rare to find anyone who understands. I really appreciated getting out of age-focused environments (which just requires TIME), away from expectations about what I should act like at a particular age. And the older I get, the less I care… and I would LOVE to give you that, if I could wrap it in a bow and share: “Just be you” no matter what age you are – or any other (stupid) defining thing. Eche las ganas – be YOU with all your energy!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I love this comment. <3 Grace
I totally understand what you mean. You are obviously a TERRIFIC WRITER and I think you would be great in the publishing industry. You obviously are set on what you want to do and it’s unfair how age stops you from doing that. I am inspired by your blogs and when you are published I look forward to reading every single one of your books. You’re amazing!
Thank you so much! This comment means a lot!
Grace
You are an amazing author! My whole grade loves your blog.
Thank you so much! I can’t believe that! I’m honored. Thanks for commenting! Grace
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I love your post for its honesty, you are indeed an old soul! I am not here to give you advice, but I do want to let you know that there are people out there who will (and do) take a 14-yr-old seriously. My interactions with you have been nothing short of professional, and your name fits you to a T, you certainly handle yourself with grace.
I guess I do have a small bit of advice for you…don’t forget to enjoy the next 8 years as you work toward your goal. As someone who was once a strange girl who was kind of cool, but wasn’t, the time will go fast. Not the day-to-day time, that will probably move slower than molasses, but the years themselves will fly by. Getting lost in books is a great way to spend that time, but don’t be afraid to branch out and try new things
Thanks Jill! I just meant patronizing advice…thank you so much for yours! I love this comment! Grace
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(This isn’t advice so much as I am just really really agreeing with what you have said.) You are most definitely not alone in your feelings. I’m 28 now, but I can tell you I was plagued by those SAME feelings all through high school and college–hell you put it into words better than I was ever able to. But as someone who is on the other side of those 8 years you are worried about, let me just say that you shouldn’t wish them away so quickly. Those are the years that will build the foundation of who you are, that will determine what you can do with the years that follow. I lost my passion along the way and it took me a long time to find it again and sometimes I really wish I’d tried harder to make more of those years that at the time I really just wanted to be over. There are people out there that can relate to you. If you can only find them online…then just be glad that you were born in a time when that could happen! (Having said that…don’t go meeting online strangers lol…so maybe I did give some advice, but trust me that’s a good bit)
Hey girl thanks for the comment and advice! Although I’m just saying, I’m not wishing them away. While I have these moments where I wish I could be eight years away, I’m just saying that I have this idea that all my work will be rewarded in eight years. So I’m saying that I can’t wait for that to happen, but I’m not necessarily wishing myself there. Does that make sense? Thank you!
Grace
You articulated thoughts and feelings I’ve had for a long time in a beautiful way. It’s difficult feeling so misunderstood; I don’t know if you do this or not, but maybe you could express your feelings through some sort of creative writing? Your thoughts could create something truly powerful. I’m 20, but I feel the exact same way. I can’t wait to graduate college so I can finally work in publishing. It’s very difficult to wait, but I know the time will come eventually. Until then, I just surround myself with books and writing and the things that make me feel as complete as possible
Thank you! I do creative writing sporadically
Thank you so much! That’s so exciting! You’re so close! I completely agree with everything that you’re doing…when I’m 20, I’ll probably be doing the same thing. Happy Fourth of July!