I don’t even know how to begin this post but this is an issue that has literally been plaguing me for all that I can remember of my life. It’s beautiful and frustrating and lovely and awful all at once. This is a lot more of a personal post so if you’re just here for the books, it doesn’t have much to do with them although it is kind of related. If you are a family member or somebody I’m casually friends with (a.k.a Tampa people), this is personal so respect me and don’t read it. Honestly, I can’t stand talking to people I know about this kind of thing so I’m trusting you to respect me. Better not to read it if you get confused. I’m not even going to edit this post because this is me, raw.This post is related to a particular feeling, a particular need. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for ages and it has a lot wrapped around it. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, please don’t comment on it because it’s something that’s really important to me. I feel like there’s a purpose to my life that I’m only just discovering.
It’s both a blessing and a curse having a passion. It came to me earlier that I have a really hard time relating to other people my age because of my passion. Being so passionate about things in my life and things that I still want to discover mean that other people don’t feel the same. Especially at my age, I have a tough time relating to my peers because in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the type of girl who gets invited to parties. I mostly am at the fringes of rising-freshman society because I don’t have the same interests as other people. I feel more like an adult than a teenager, but it’s not just that.
I just tell myself that life will be so much better when I’m in New York, when I’m an adult, when/if I’m working in publishing. In eight years, I’ll find my something more. I’ll stop feeling like I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, like there’s something that I haven’t discovered yet that I need desperately. It’s a strange feeling to describe but it’s the strongest one in my life. I constantly feel this longing for something, but I don’t know what that something is. I just need for there to be something more in my life.
I’m using this example because this is the one thing that consistently inspires in me this feeling: staring up at the stars. It makes everything seem magical and it tears my world apart because looking at the stars, that’s where I want to be. I’m not trying to be lyrical or poetic, simply trying to put into words how potent my need is for there to be something more in the world. There’s this quote by Maggie Stiefvater in her novel Shiver where Sam says
I surfed for photos of circus freaks and synonyms for the word intercourse and for answers to why staring at the stars in the evening tore my heart with longing.
That is exactly how I feel. My heart is being torn apart with longing when I stare at the stars because I can sense something more out there but I’m stuck living an ordinary life. I read to find extraordinary things and I just feel like there has to be something more to my world. My world is composed of passions and longings that ache so badly because I just want something more to life. I can’t even describe how deep it is because I want something more so much that it’s not even a want anymore but a need. The problem is that I don’t exactly know what that more is.
I feel like there’s another layer to the world that only a few people are allowed to see and only then, only in glimpses. Whether that’s something like in books like a paranormal secret only a few people know about then so be it but I want to find whatever that layer is.
Life will be so much better when I write a book, when I fall in love, when I get married, when I settle down. I’m ready to jump past these eight years until I’m out of college and actually treated like an adult. My age is a barrier; nobody takes a fourteen year old seriously. It’s actually a problem for me because I can easily visualize myself as an adult. I find myself reading about apartments in New York and writing down budgets for when I’m living there. I have to remind myself that it’ll take at least eight years of school before I can work in a publishing company and when I can finally chase my dreams. People around me don’t get it at all. I’m just a sort-of-strange girl who is kind of cool but kind of isn’t. I’m just itching to grow up and be able to finally go out and do something.
This is one of the reasons why Alexandra Adornetto is my biggest hero: she didn’t let age stop her. She was published at age fourteen and didn’t let anything stop her. She was passionate and daring and she’s done everything with her life that I desperately want to do with mine. I want to change the world. I want to make people feel things and I can’t, not yet, because it will take years for me to get there. That fact is hell to me.
Because I have this deep-rooted passion that I can’t ignore. It’s inside of me every day gnawing at me and telling me that I need to share this feeling. I want to find my “something more” so badly that it hurts. I need to find another layer to the world that reminds me why I’m living and that makes me feel alive.
It’s so hard having this need and passion to do something spectacular with my life and feeling like I’m stuck here waiting for it. One of the worst parts is that nobody around me feels the same way. I’ll talk about it to my friends or my twin and while they’re supportive, I still feel alone. The most I’ll get from them is a “cool” or “it’s so awesome how you’re only fourteen and doing this”. I feel awkward talking about it to adults who aren’t already in the industry because I feel like they’re humoring me. They treat me as a…teenager. But I get sick of it because I’m completely concrete. There’s a reason that it’s called a passion. This is EXACTLY what I want to do with my life. It’s not a phase but I honestly feel like it’s what God wants me to do with my life.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I’m so attracted to paranormal books in YA because there are these teenagers with the world in their hands who are alive and finding “more” and they’re actually being taken seriously. Their passions are indulged and they are LIVING. Even then, there are only a few songs and books that even come close to that feeling I get when I look at the stars. I feel like I’m not even living right now but I’m paused. It’s honestly driving me insane because I have this need that’s never going to be fulfilled until I go out with my life and do something because it hurts not being able to.
I think I need to stop talking now because it’s a strange thing to put into words. Many of you might not understand it and might think I’m crazy for going on about this feeling. I’m sure that my wording in this post is absolutely horrendous and makes no sense whatsoever but how do you put your deepest feeling into words? How do you describe how much something means to you? I’m aching for it and nobody around me understands. My age feels like a barrier because I want to go out and explore the world and change it. I want to influence people and discover what my “something more” is and I can’t. I can’t even drive. I feel like an adult trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not just hormones or being dramatic. I’ve felt this way for my entire life, like there was something out there meant for me to find. Something that made it worth living. My entire life has felt like a search for whatever makes me feel complete and what makes me feel alive. Don’t get me wrong; I feel blessed to have a passion but it’s hard when I feel like I can’t relate to anybody my age or that I’m stuck waiting for years to be able to feel like I’m living. Either way, my passion is what makes me completely me.
Also, I’m not looking for advice. My life is great and I know that it will get better, this is just a testament to others who feel this way and why I do. I love you all!
UPDATE: If you’re interested in more posts like these or random musings, check out my newly-started personal blog. The password for protected posts is the last name of my favorite author, whose name can be found on my About Me page!